Christian Women and Divorce

Divorce is a scary experience. One I've avoided for some 15 years. As a Christian woman facing divorce I was always perplexed. How could that be? I'm a Christian. I thought marriage was suppose to be forever, right Lord? Till death do us part? Right? Funny thing though how those 5 seeminly simple words, "till death do us part", prompt some new unfamiliar thoughts as I type them. Death of a marriage is different than physical death although I'm sure parts of the dying process feel the same. My marriage died many years ago and as a Christian I felt it was my obligation to do "whatever I could", to hold it together. It takes 2 though. I weathered many storms...and to say the least....they weathered me! Affairs (not mine!), domestic abuse, constant criticism (a real deal killer), and a host of others...I certainly didn't like the person I had become! Hopelessness and daily dispair triggered a host of problems from severe depression and anxiety to thoughts and preoccuptation of suicide. How could I get out? Sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, I was soo desperate I prayed for his death. If I kept finding ways to blame myself for the problems I seemed to feel better. I guess that gave me the hope that if it was my problem, I could make changes that would make him and the marriage better. What I wasn't getting was that I couldn't change him and long ago I had set a precedent, a way of relating to my spouse that would always undermine the integrity or hope of having a healthy marriage. I had to change for my own well being, with or without him. I had no healthy boundries, in the name of being "easy going" and I wasn't in touch with my real feelings. Letting "things" slide is a sure recipe for disaster because like it or not, undealt-with emotions do not go away and do take their toll on us. Physiologically they impact our bodies and well-being and eat away at us. I was raw with emotional turmoil to the point of it being disabling. Believe it or not, one saving grace was the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer the same week I learned of my spouses 5 year affair with our best friend. Now simply put...wouldn't you rather deal with affairs than life or death issues? I would and that put things into an interesting perspective for me. "Give me 20 affairs over breast cancer", I'd say. Seriously, toying with an antidote like cancer helped me overcome the impact of affair. An affair for me was nothing when it came to dealing with cancer. Cancer scared me...the affair hurt me but, I could get over that by a simple choice. Cancer wasn't that easy although the Lord was clear that living would be my choice. "Life or death...You choose", He said to me. I chose life and so decided to move past the affair as well, but looking back, with some regret. Again, rather than deal with it in a healthy way, I tried to be sympathetic, understanding and easy going. That response didn't require much accountablility on his part. My precedent was that I always power through things. Been that way since my childhood. Anyways, I could go on and on but the point is that God doesn't command us to not divorce. Study it out in the word for yourself and then sit before the Lord. Listen for his voice when you pray. He will speak to you. I don't think there is a right or wrong way although I do believe the Lord would much prefer for us to stay married. My goal was to get healthy and do whatever I could to be right before the Lord. God is my final authority, I did all that I felt that I could and realized that in order to let God really in....I had to really let go...that was hard. My spouse has sinced moved out and I am finally getting the peace of mind I had lost and dreamed about. I am now my own person, yet still in a quandry of "why?" My spouse wouldn't stand for the marriage and walked off into his own world, where he still is. I can't fight that. The Lord promises to meet us where we are at and to provide for All our needs. Ladies, I do have some strong words of advice. Always stay ontop of your finances and make sure if YOU OWN ANYTHING, that you are on title. No matter what!! This is important because when it comes to divorce and california being a community state, title matters, even after 24 years of marriage. You could loose everthing and believe me...your spouse, as kind and loving as he may be now....will most likely change. And with that...I bid you goodnight.